Shit, part of being an anime fan is assuming that your taste is infallible, and that your opinions are always correct. However, lately I seem to be wrong about most everything. Ore no imouto ga konnani kawaii wake ga nai anime was admittedly better than I surmised; and Kurata Hideyuki did not embarrass himself with the script like with Cloth Road, Read or Die -TV- or TRAIN+TRAIN. iDOLM@STER wasn’t a shitty fanservice anime, but rather a watchable emotion-driven fanservice anime. Black Rock Shooter did not turn out to be the noir-esque anime that I had envisioned, and instead was a bumpy road through preteen adolescence and nonsensical plot twists. Ayako Yoshitani cast as Nazo no Kanojo X’s Urabe Mikoto did not turn out to be the annoying shit-storm I had expected.

And when I’m this wrong, I like to fall back on something absolutely fail-safe.

Medaka Box is the latest anime from Gainax, and is based off a Shounen Jump manga by the same name. The premise is really simple, a well-endowed female rigs the election to become the student council president, vice-president, secretary, and treasurer; and passes an edict making the term a “for-life” position. The only way a totalitarian regime like this would be able to sustain itself without resorting to the Big Brother technique, whose poor television ratings should indicate which structure not to follow, is to set up a complaint box for students in need of help to submit their dire requests. Popular media points out that in order for a superhero to increase gross revenue, they need a sidekick; case in point, Batman had Robin, Green Arrow had Speedy, God had Jesus, FDR had Oppenheimer — Medaka needs a random boy from the student body to help where help is not needed. From here it’s like the author stole the template from Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu, since Medaka drags poor what’s-his-face by the throat into becoming her slave and tentative love interest. How this simple concept will turn into a battle manga escapes me, but I guess I’ll have to watch to find out.

By the way, if the lack of pictures haven’t already hinted at it, I have yet to watch the first episode of this series. I’m just rehashing everything from the vague memory of the one-shot I read three years ago. The funny part is, I was saying on mIRC, that shitty fanservice crap like Medaka Box, Kore wa Zombie Desuka, and High School of the Dead would get an anime before SoreMachi ever became popular. It seems I was wrong again.

So why is Medaka Box even becoming animated?

When I first heard Gainax jumped on board, I was wondering what happened to their good taste, and remembered… Gainax has always animated shallow fanservice crap. That isn’t to say that they weren’t well-done, since some of my favorite anime sprout from the fecal waste accompanying Gainax’s abysmal brain farts, but ever since Shikabane Hime I’ve lost most if not all faith with Gainax.

However, who really knows? With Gainax’s skills, they may turn Medaka Box into a decent series; but then I remembered who the original creator of said series is: Nisioisin. Yes, his name is a goddamn palindrome. Now, I hold a lot of respect for Nisioisin, not for his creativity or his writing skills, but essentially because he can output two miles of garbage in any given year. He is like a machine that does nothing but crap out romantic comedies camouflaged in different outfits. All in order to exfoliate a fresh-spin, apparently to disguise the obvious generic axiom of good storytelling: boy meets girl. Together with Go Zappa and Hideyuki Kurata, Nisioisin makes up nearly 54% of the otaku’s holy scriptures. I pulled that percentage from my ass, but you don’t need a mathematician to tell you it’s true.

So now we have Nisioisin and Gainax on board. That’s already a formula for failure. How can we mess this up further? Why not cast Toyosaki Aki as the main character? Let me put it simply, I have never liked this voice actress, and have yet to see an anime where I did not want to stab her character in the face with a pitch fork.

And that is why regardless of how awesome this show turns out to be, I will never ever truly accept it as anything other than shit. This is my fail-safe, because judging anime objectively sucks, and I can’t ever be wrong about my own opinion.

I know it’s strange coming from someone like me, who is obsessed with incest, rape and mind-break; and on more than one occasion involving all three. One would assume I would be the last person to denounce homosexuality, since I’m not a moral conservative in any fashion. But I don’t express my distaste for same-gender snake eating on any religious basis; I think that homosexuality is boring.

Let me take this down a notch and explain. Lesbians and gays in anime primarily consist of the empty pipe dreams that make up the minds of naive little boys and dirty fangirls  on Saturday nights. They don’t serve a purpose other than to provide groundwork for boring homosexual doujins. With that being said, in small doses homosexuality has the potential to complement the anime without poisoning the water supply.

Let’s look at the series I enjoy featuring homosexuals:

Saki

Lesbian sex is the most boring two and a half hours of petting I will never get back.

While the majority of the cast are lesbians, or discovering their lesbian potential; the actual show is about mahjong. The episodes were not stuffed full of boring scenes of lesbians fondling each other’s breasts and talking about feelings. Instead it focused on an underdog high school mahjong team aiming for the gold in a prefectural tournament against other lesbians with special mahjong powers and skillz (with a ‘z’). I think just about anyone can learn to appreciate a series packed with trials and tribulations. I started playing Reach Mahjong after watching Saki, but soon quit when I realized the tiles do not shoot out elemental powers or psychic energies. I felt like a Naruto fanboy practicing hand jutsus in the backyard.

Shinryaku Ika Musume

Sanae is a great character concept. While her intention towards Ika Musume come off as perverse and her motives are far from pure, she does possess a skewed sense of self-control that limits her activities to just barely being in rape-reach of Ika Musume. Furthermore, Sanae’s character development was top-notch for a gag comedy, and is unchallenged by the rest of the cast. The concern she expresses for Ika Musume in Season 2 Episode 8 shows that jokes aside, she earnestly cares for the well-being of Ika-Musume. Besides, her lust doesn’t stem from looks alone, but the associated tentacle whipping, choking and fin-slapping. She is not a major character, and I don’t know why I included this in the list.

Natsume Yuujinchou

There is no contention that Natsume Takashi is so desperate for friends that he has no qualms with sexing males, females or youkai. I still love this show, because it weaves thoughtful slice-of-life and supernatural into a heartwarming story that makes my balls curl. At no point did it cross my mind that Natsume would look adorable being boned; but if it ever happened, I would be very receptive of the idea because it would more than likely be presented in a soothing manner and be a major turning point in the plot. This show is not gay… at least not blatantly.

Nevermind...

Kannazuki no Miko

This show is not about lesbian shrine maidens as every DVD cover seems to portray. This show is about magical robots and ass-kicking. The first ten episodes didn’t even have any lesbian bits except for the boring scenes of the blue-haired girl crying in her room because she doesn’t have a dick, thereby missing out on all the fun of raping her best friend. She later solves this crisis using a flute in the manga.

Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito

This is a surreal project that covers every aspect of the human psyche. To simply call it a lesbian anime would be an understatement. It’s got incest, rape, murder, betrayal and trains! Watch three episodes and be mesmerized. Watch four episodes and fish your brain out of the aquarium that will soon occupy your reality.

But now that I think about it… there are not many series with homosexuals that do not suck.

Magic Boy or its Japanese title Shounen Sarutobi Sasuke is Toei’s second film from 1959 that later became one of the earliest anime to be shown in American theaters in 1961. Much of the animation style and music is very similar to older Disney movies in that it has cute animals with very bold orchestra and instrumental music. The movie is based on the early life of a fictional character created from the Edo period named Sarutobi Sasuke who became the leader of a legendary ninja group Sanada Ten Braves. It’s said his group assisted warlord Sanada Yukimura during the Japanese civil war in the Sengoku period.

Sasuke lives in a village with his sister and playful animal friends. A large bird by fate or influence of the villain snatches a young dear named Tinkle from play and drops him into a lake where an evil demon named Yakusha in form of a large salamander lives. Our hero and his companions quickly come to the rescue with Sasuke and the mother of the dear jumping into the water to fight off the monster, but Sasuke is defeated and the mother sacrifices herself in place of Tinkle. There Yakusha gains enough power to reveal her true human form and Sasuke decides he’ll seek revenge, as it was millennia ago where a strong wizard sealed her away in her salamander form to stop her from attacking and grieving the area’s people. Soon after Sasuke decides to leave home and finds an old wizard high in the mountains who takes interest in teaching him magic to conquer Yakusha.

The English dubbing from the American movie company MGM includes a bit of added Western music where there wasn’t music near the start and there are very minor changes like which character narrates about the past of the wicked demon. I could say most of it of the movie was left intact including the original music, there’s still the issue of the radical name change and MGM wanting to promote the anime to American audiences with Sasuke as a samurai instead of a shady ninja. The dubbing is very enjoyable and can’t greatly be compared to modern voice acting in anime with different standards, voice actors, and technology. Much of the sound effects are done with instruments, too.

If you like how characters appear much more Asian or admired the odd character designs from the anime Oh! Edo Rocket then you should feel comfortable with Magic Boy. More images in my gallery album. It’s a movie for kids despite the violent use of magic, but it shouldn’t bother adult viewers unless you find cutely animated monkeys, squirrels, and a bear playing together offensive to mature tastes. Shounen Sarutobi Sasuke would be best described as an adventure with historical importance and something new to anyone not accustomed to older anime.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edE90HdS3wY[/youtube]

So I was browsing through my Android Market Google Play after a heavy Friday night of drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating a pound of Jack Link’s, when I stumbled upon this marvel of modern visual culture. It’s primary purpose is to be an interactive clock. It’s secondary purpose is to provide lonely otaku worldwide with the warmth and love that only the battery from a Smartphone could provide. Amused, I spent a hour tapping her breasts to hear her disapprove with that that cute pouty tone reminiscent of so many imaginary girlfriends from the past. It then occured to me there were alternate costumes, so even more money was lost to the pursuit of decorating this graphic barmaid.

The “Camera” tool superimposes this virtual slut into every shot.

To make things more complicated, there’s an “Impression” button which displays a white heart and a smaller heart within that grows bigger as she falls in love with you. Of course, to make her love you, the user has to do all the things that normal women usually expect: buy her gifts. Over time the heart meter starts to diminish so you have to constantly buy her fake virtual gifts from D3P’s market to ensure she stays happy. Also, like a real girl, you can get her drunk by buying her fake martinis (2$) and also by running your thumb across her cheeks (free). Strange, I know.

Seeing as how this is an application, one would think that all the yen in this game is fake, but unfortunately, it’s real. And with the exchange rate being in the current state, I will admit to having lost more than 25$USD during my brief time with Amane.

Save yourself some time. This picture explains all you need to know.

So the television run of Black Rock Shooter left me depressed. Since you all know me by now, I’m not talking about the preteen drama.

It had a flimsy story revolving around melodramatic metaphors which occasionally incorporate elements of huke’s artworks. The end result for the most part, failed horribly to provoke any sympathy from my cold dead heart. I have to admit that for an anime designed to capitalize on a niche audience, it was strangely watchable. However, since the “plot” primarily consists of middle school girls exaggerating on the pain of living, much like a Linkin Park song, it’s no surprise the anime is only eight episodes and very difficult to get into.

And what was with the teacher trying to instigate a fight between Deadmaster and Black Rock Shooter? Why did she interfere during the fight with Chariot? Why did she have to go and ruin her students’ lives? Why why why? Everyone would have gone about their days like nothing mattered if she hadn’t butted in. Then she ends up paying for it in the end; but nobody has any harsh words for her. They all smile and become the the best of friends like an episode of Care Bear.

Seriously, fuck that.

They told me they were 17!

It probably wouldn’t appear to be so to many people, but Petite Princess Yucie deals with quite a bit of psychological analysis. What else do we expect from Gainax? Of course, the pedophilic content was tantalizing, but underneath that sweet sweet succulent surface is a fairly complex mesh of relationships that could very well send Carl Jung looking for phallic symbols to smoke.

First is Yucie. Our token heroine, who is unique as she lacks the beorgois attitude that seems to plague all the other girls with proper upbringing. The only exception would be Cocoloo, but she’s got issues of her own. As many of you know, Yucie was raised in the countryside by a single father, a former knight, who’s protective nature burdens our young heroine with a sense of duty and initiative. With no mother figure to compete against for her father’s love, she ultimately finds no attraction to the womenly arts like sewing, magic and tea parties. During her princess training, her only skills involve physical labor. Her first love interest: The prince, Arc. A warrior like her father.

Next is Glenda. She is the demon princess, and a skilled magic-user. In her case, the role of father and mother had been reversed. Her father, the demon king, is pathetically sensitive and unmanly. During her upbringing, her mom has always worn the pants in the relationship. Glenda ultimately comes to respect her mom, who has become not only her role model but the first hurdle in winning the monopoly on her father’s affection. To catch up to her mother she always erects a tough front and tries very hard to impress, which leads to hilarious antics and ends poorly in her favor. Deep down inside, she knows this is her weakness, but she will never admit it, lest it be known that she takes after her father. Her first love interest: The frog prince. A frail girly man.

Elmina of the Celestial Realm has spent her entire life ‘being’ the best, because anything less than perfection would seemingly disgrace her old and stern father. Watching Yucie’s father being proud of his daughter for just ‘trying’ her best shatters the walls of strictness that she imposes upon herself. A bit of reality check is late in coming; but eventually helps her stand up to the source of her depreciating self-worth: her father. Her first love interest: The old and stern Lord of Rockwell Manor. He even comes with white hair and a beard, like her… father. Noticing something?

Cocoloo had a strange life. She is from the ghost realm, so she tends to see and talk to things that aren’t there. As transparent as this will sound, Cocoloo tries not to stand out in crowds much like a ghost. She’s come to develop a shy and introverted personality from her quiet nature. Her first love interest: Yucie, the only girl outside of the ghost realm to acknowledge her, whereas she would be a passing shadow to others.

Beth joined the show late and therefore has little character development. It’s pretty clear that she’s distrustful of others, close-minded, and possesses a self-destructive personality. She sports a lone-wolf behavior most of the time, and only reveals bits of emotions when she’s with her love interest: Cocoloo — she is the only character in the show who can quietly listen to someone. Yes, Beth is a hippie with anger issues. Her father’s a tree for God’s sake.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into each character’s background and resultant personality traits. So what are you waiting for, I advice you buy it today.