I realize most blogs are doing some form of “12 days of Christmas” or whatever. I’m six days late, so I decided to try my hands at “12 things I didn’t know I could masturbate to” instead.

Before I discovered anime, I only masturbated to porn. Now I masturbate to figments of my imagination. Japan has this uncanny ability to anthropomorphize everyday objects into fap material in the course of one hour. And there really isn’t much I can not masturbate to. Every day, until Christmas, I will post two of something I might have masturbated to…

from komagarita

12. KFC Biscuits

This caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready to be assaulted by visions of a KFC product during my alone time in the shower. But here we are, and now I am ready to go.

by toi

11. Guro

What’s “guro” you ask? One image search through google will provide you all the information you will ever have to know. Believe it or not, that was the most work-safe image I could find.

Squid!

…

It's all politics, Tsukimi!

So my favorite anime of all time, for this month, will go to Kuragehime! This is possibly the funniest anime ever made, at this moment. The comedy actually makes me break out into bouts of laughter, and not in that ambiguous made-up sense that most bloggers talk of. Kuragehime features beautiful animation as its biggest selling point, which is unexpected coming from the lazy deadbeats over at Brain’s Base.  The voice cast includes none other than my favorite voice actress of all time at the moment, Hanazawa Kana, as the lead heroine. I take it they chose her for her age… since she’s younger than me, but who isn’t nowadays?

It's Morphin' Time! Tyranosarus Rex! Mastadon! Teradactyl! Sabretooth! Triceratop!

It's amazing how far a simple wig will take you.

I don’t know about you, but I’d totally engage in “sexual intercourse” with Kuranosuke… if he were a real woman. Aw hell, maybe even if he wasn’t. But I’d have to be really really really drunk. Amen.

So if Accelerator has enough calculating abilities to reflect light particles from hitting his hair and skin, why is it that he can’t deflect a simple splash of water?

I'm sure this is duly explained in the light novels.

Also, if my memories of doujinshi serve me well, then I recall this is about the part where Last Order rapes him, and schlicks his essence all over her striped panties?

Mizuno sings along happily to the tune of summer, casually stealing a ride on the bus.

Star Driver may be full of pretty boys and gay little robots, but don’t let the blatant faggotry turn you away from this hidden jewel. Like the taut nipples of a pubescent teenager pushes through the wet shirt of social morals, Star Driver ignites the burning fires in the hearts of every youth. After all, only a hot-blooded man can understand the heart-throbbing desires of another man.

Like most anime, the more serious moments occur in the bath tub.

So other than twins, and hot girls with jiggly breasts, what else does this anime offer its viewers? Well, assuming they are not into lame comedy and ballads, then I’m hoping they’re not expecting solid story-telling and quick progression. You basically have to accept Star Driver for what it is: a masterpiece.

Even Marina understands how epic her show is.

Oh, and happy birthday to me.

So I’m watching this BD rip of some vocaloid concert in Japan. And just… wow.

That's not a stage, just a giant television.

Even virtual idols don't know how to dance.

This is how Japan takes part in Democracy.

Sure got to hand it to those communists. They sure know how to deliver. I mean, just look at the size of that crowd. Waving their ‘down with America’ paraphernalia, and glowing leeks.

I'm not the only one who needs a life.

If only she could apply her talents to something useful.

Shinryaku! Ika Musume by Masahiro Anbe is about a squid girl from the sea who invades the landmass of Earth. The end.

As pitiful as it is to admit, Squid Girl is indubitably the only serious anime on the air. Dealing with environmental issues that ring close to home, Squid Girl has children giving their trash a second glance in between the laughs and giggles, or moans depending how old you are. Japan’s treatment of their ocean is simply atrocious. I have never seen another port that allows you to pump sanitary waste straight into the harbor. One would also have to consider the amount of trash an island housing 120 million people must produce. It’s not surprising so much of it ends up in the ocean.

Japan, is also known by zookeepers around the world for having the strangest tastes in pets. Turning the city of Tokyo upside down and shaking would unearth a wider range of species than the continent of Africa. So perhaps to the average audience, this adorable depiction of a captured rare species being duly abused and exploited is just clever fun and game. However, know that it is happening all around you; and possibly closer than you think.

So how is it possible a gag comedy churns out pressing world issues and satirize human ignorance in five minutes clips, whereas other series waste fourteen episodes having accomplished nothing? I don’t really know, but at this point I really don’t care. Even when Squid Girl is wasting her time doing absolutely nothing, she fills every minute with drama and cuteness. I find myself crying with her at the end of every episode. I may be crazy for empathizing with an animated squid girl, but we all know I’m not.

The saddest scene in anime this season, for many reasons.