Another year passed, and before I knew it, it was upon us again. That special time of the year where men across America put down that bottle of whiskey, and moderate the spankings to just twice-a-day. When the height of one’s lawn grass actually holds influence. The one day where everyone can feel safe that they made the right choice in refusing to pay for abortion fees. A day almost as momentous as Groundhog’s Day, but not as significant. Yes, it’s Father’s Day.

Twice is enough!!

Basically, I don’t give a damn about fathers in general, but I think there should be more to this day than simply honoring sperm banks. Wait… I know! How about we make it illegal to use condoms on father’s day? Or maybe rent out daddies to bastard orphans? Yes, I like the way I’m going with this. Maybe start a giant sex festival between girls with daddy complexes and sweaty old men? I would gladly volunteer for the sweaty daddy role.

Fuck safe sex!

Remember kids, drugs are for hobos. Don’t be cool, stay in school! And be sure to look around for my subway sandwich. I’m pretty sure I was eating one before I passed out yesterday.