Tag-Archive for ◊ e-penis ◊

• Wednesday, May 09th, 2012

I wanted to feign ignorance about the massive e-penis battle called Aniblog Tourney, but in three days we will be going head-to-head with some Super Care Bear blog called Dah Fook. You have to be a true fan to remember their URL by heart. They may know their way around Photoshop, but there was once a time when I was young and nubile and thought myself a graphic designer as well. Once my grand and glorious leader Jura returns from his pilgrimage to the land of beautiful little boys, we’re sure to have something up our sleeves in terms of website design… I hope. For one thing, I really want to allow nested comments.

In eager anticipation that I am absolutely correct, I have some preliminary designs already in the works:

I’ve done away with all the unimportant tagging, clouding, and other neat features that make this site look more professional and decided to go with the personalized blog look. After all, I’m the only one that matters anymore. Not only will it convey the sarcastic humor I’ve grown accustomed to in a more loving way, but it will increase the cuteness factor by about ten fold. I guess the forum module has to go, in order to make room for the massive amount of hentai I’ll be using the server to back up. Hentai is hotter when it’s streamed. I’m not paying for the bandwidth, so who cares? I’ll also be streaming random J-pop music to distract the readers from pointing out rather obvious grammatical errors and the like.

Oh, the possibilities are endless. I’m sure there’s seven portions of happiness waiting for me at Uncle Josh’s ranch!

Moral of the Day: Fuck it, fire it.

• Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

There are several tried and proven methods to enlarging that ephemeral deity known as the e-penis; and fortunately for the young rascals in all of you, I will share with you pointers from my personal experience.

  1. Find a hobby. Preferrably one that nobody who speaks your regional language knows about. I myself have a good old time just browsing through video sites like NicoNico Douga and sharing it with my normal friends who only know of YouTube. I also play some game called “Go”, watch anime, and spend hours discovering new applications for my FleshLight.
  2. Play StarCraft II. You do not need to be good at this game to be ranked amongst the top players; nor do you really need to play the game. Buy the game, then go directly to multiplayer mode. Skip the practice league and lose the first five games for your league placement. You are guaranteed to end up with poor saps who actually do suck at games. I’ve been ranked first for the past month now.
  3. Start an online blog. It’s helpful if you criticize females incessantly, but not absolutely necessary; though if the latter is your deal you may want to write up as many things involving rape and porn as possible. Thanks to aggregate websites and Google, your hit counter will eventually go up from search queries for furry tentacle loving pet owners.
  4. Get an education. It helps if you do not write as you speak. It also helps if you pretend to be  a man. Males are more sought out than females simply because females can not be taken seriously.
  5. Find a niche. Popularity is like the hole in a donut. It craves to be filled, and more than once tends to be occupied with whatever weird-ass shit you’re into at the moment. Sooner is better than later, but good things come to those who wait. Once again, the Internet will handle the hard part.
  6. Include profanity. Lots of it. Cussing is not the  indolent and uncouth lexicon of plebeians as my 11th grade English teacher made it out to be. If used correctly, a simple ‘fuck’ provides more entertainment with one utterance than a portfolio full of Undergrad Art students.
  7. Hate someone or something. Better yet, hate yourself. Hating is like giving the world a key to your heart, and the world is full of nosy gnomes who want front row seats to the burning cross on your lawn. Remember, nobody gets hurt because it is the Internet.

Sometimes I wonder why nobody cares about me.