I know it’s strange coming from someone like me, who is obsessed with incest, rape and mind-break; and on more than one occasion involving all three. One would assume I would be the last person to denounce homosexuality, since I’m not a moral conservative in any fashion. But I don’t express my distaste for same-gender snake eating on any religious basis; I think that homosexuality is boring.

Let me take this down a notch and explain. Lesbians and gays in anime primarily consist of the empty pipe dreams that make up the minds of naive little boys and dirty fangirls  on Saturday nights. They don’t serve a purpose other than to provide groundwork for boring homosexual doujins. With that being said, in small doses homosexuality has the potential to complement the anime without poisoning the water supply.

Let’s look at the series I enjoy featuring homosexuals:

Saki

Lesbian sex is the most boring two and a half hours of petting I will never get back.

While the majority of the cast are lesbians, or discovering their lesbian potential; the actual show is about mahjong. The episodes were not stuffed full of boring scenes of lesbians fondling each other’s breasts and talking about feelings. Instead it focused on an underdog high school mahjong team aiming for the gold in a prefectural tournament against other lesbians with special mahjong powers and skillz (with a ‘z’). I think just about anyone can learn to appreciate a series packed with trials and tribulations. I started playing Reach Mahjong after watching Saki, but soon quit when I realized the tiles do not shoot out elemental powers or psychic energies. I felt like a Naruto fanboy practicing hand jutsus in the backyard.

Shinryaku Ika Musume

Sanae is a great character concept. While her intention towards Ika Musume come off as perverse and her motives are far from pure, she does possess a skewed sense of self-control that limits her activities to just barely being in rape-reach of Ika Musume. Furthermore, Sanae’s character development was top-notch for a gag comedy, and is unchallenged by the rest of the cast. The concern she expresses for Ika Musume in Season 2 Episode 8 shows that jokes aside, she earnestly cares for the well-being of Ika-Musume. Besides, her lust doesn’t stem from looks alone, but the associated tentacle whipping, choking and fin-slapping. She is not a major character, and I don’t know why I included this in the list.

Natsume Yuujinchou

There is no contention that Natsume Takashi is so desperate for friends that he has no qualms with sexing males, females or youkai. I still love this show, because it weaves thoughtful slice-of-life and supernatural into a heartwarming story that makes my balls curl. At no point did it cross my mind that Natsume would look adorable being boned; but if it ever happened, I would be very receptive of the idea because it would more than likely be presented in a soothing manner and be a major turning point in the plot. This show is not gay… at least not blatantly.

Nevermind...

Kannazuki no Miko

This show is not about lesbian shrine maidens as every DVD cover seems to portray. This show is about magical robots and ass-kicking. The first ten episodes didn’t even have any lesbian bits except for the boring scenes of the blue-haired girl crying in her room because she doesn’t have a dick, thereby missing out on all the fun of raping her best friend. She later solves this crisis using a flute in the manga.

Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito

This is a surreal project that covers every aspect of the human psyche. To simply call it a lesbian anime would be an understatement. It’s got incest, rape, murder, betrayal and trains! Watch three episodes and be mesmerized. Watch four episodes and fish your brain out of the aquarium that will soon occupy your reality.

But now that I think about it… there are not many series with homosexuals that do not suck.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edE90HdS3wY[/youtube]

So I was browsing through my Android Market Google Play after a heavy Friday night of drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating a pound of Jack Link’s, when I stumbled upon this marvel of modern visual culture. It’s primary purpose is to be an interactive clock. It’s secondary purpose is to provide lonely otaku worldwide with the warmth and love that only the battery from a Smartphone could provide. Amused, I spent a hour tapping her breasts to hear her disapprove with that that cute pouty tone reminiscent of so many imaginary girlfriends from the past. It then occured to me there were alternate costumes, so even more money was lost to the pursuit of decorating this graphic barmaid.

The “Camera” tool superimposes this virtual slut into every shot.

To make things more complicated, there’s an “Impression” button which displays a white heart and a smaller heart within that grows bigger as she falls in love with you. Of course, to make her love you, the user has to do all the things that normal women usually expect: buy her gifts. Over time the heart meter starts to diminish so you have to constantly buy her fake virtual gifts from D3P’s market to ensure she stays happy. Also, like a real girl, you can get her drunk by buying her fake martinis (2$) and also by running your thumb across her cheeks (free). Strange, I know.

Seeing as how this is an application, one would think that all the yen in this game is fake, but unfortunately, it’s real. And with the exchange rate being in the current state, I will admit to having lost more than 25$USD during my brief time with Amane.

Save yourself some time. This picture explains all you need to know.

So the television run of Black Rock Shooter left me depressed. Since you all know me by now, I’m not talking about the preteen drama.

It had a flimsy story revolving around melodramatic metaphors which occasionally incorporate elements of huke’s artworks. The end result for the most part, failed horribly to provoke any sympathy from my cold dead heart. I have to admit that for an anime designed to capitalize on a niche audience, it was strangely watchable. However, since the “plot” primarily consists of middle school girls exaggerating on the pain of living, much like a Linkin Park song, it’s no surprise the anime is only eight episodes and very difficult to get into.

And what was with the teacher trying to instigate a fight between Deadmaster and Black Rock Shooter? Why did she interfere during the fight with Chariot? Why did she have to go and ruin her students’ lives? Why why why? Everyone would have gone about their days like nothing mattered if she hadn’t butted in. Then she ends up paying for it in the end; but nobody has any harsh words for her. They all smile and become the the best of friends like an episode of Care Bear.

Seriously, fuck that.

They told me they were 17!

It probably wouldn’t appear to be so to many people, but Petite Princess Yucie deals with quite a bit of psychological analysis. What else do we expect from Gainax? Of course, the pedophilic content was tantalizing, but underneath that sweet sweet succulent surface is a fairly complex mesh of relationships that could very well send Carl Jung looking for phallic symbols to smoke.

First is Yucie. Our token heroine, who is unique as she lacks the beorgois attitude that seems to plague all the other girls with proper upbringing. The only exception would be Cocoloo, but she’s got issues of her own. As many of you know, Yucie was raised in the countryside by a single father, a former knight, who’s protective nature burdens our young heroine with a sense of duty and initiative. With no mother figure to compete against for her father’s love, she ultimately finds no attraction to the womenly arts like sewing, magic and tea parties. During her princess training, her only skills involve physical labor. Her first love interest: The prince, Arc. A warrior like her father.

Next is Glenda. She is the demon princess, and a skilled magic-user. In her case, the role of father and mother had been reversed. Her father, the demon king, is pathetically sensitive and unmanly. During her upbringing, her mom has always worn the pants in the relationship. Glenda ultimately comes to respect her mom, who has become not only her role model but the first hurdle in winning the monopoly on her father’s affection. To catch up to her mother she always erects a tough front and tries very hard to impress, which leads to hilarious antics and ends poorly in her favor. Deep down inside, she knows this is her weakness, but she will never admit it, lest it be known that she takes after her father. Her first love interest: The frog prince. A frail girly man.

Elmina of the Celestial Realm has spent her entire life ‘being’ the best, because anything less than perfection would seemingly disgrace her old and stern father. Watching Yucie’s father being proud of his daughter for just ‘trying’ her best shatters the walls of strictness that she imposes upon herself. A bit of reality check is late in coming; but eventually helps her stand up to the source of her depreciating self-worth: her father. Her first love interest: The old and stern Lord of Rockwell Manor. He even comes with white hair and a beard, like her… father. Noticing something?

Cocoloo had a strange life. She is from the ghost realm, so she tends to see and talk to things that aren’t there. As transparent as this will sound, Cocoloo tries not to stand out in crowds much like a ghost. She’s come to develop a shy and introverted personality from her quiet nature. Her first love interest: Yucie, the only girl outside of the ghost realm to acknowledge her, whereas she would be a passing shadow to others.

Beth joined the show late and therefore has little character development. It’s pretty clear that she’s distrustful of others, close-minded, and possesses a self-destructive personality. She sports a lone-wolf behavior most of the time, and only reveals bits of emotions when she’s with her love interest: Cocoloo — she is the only character in the show who can quietly listen to someone. Yes, Beth is a hippie with anger issues. Her father’s a tree for God’s sake.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into each character’s background and resultant personality traits. So what are you waiting for, I advice you buy it today.

Okay, so I’ve been watchi– correction, trying to watch this crap called Another. It’s basically about some little boy whose lung collapsed and made him miss out on the first two months of high school life in a new town. When he finally makes it there, he realizes that everyone is dumb as shit, and hiding a secret. In fact, for the first six episodes the protagonist is incessantly reminded by another individual member of the student body that they know a secret and can not tell him. If I was him, I’d just beat up the nearest grade school kid, since everyone in the stupid town knows more than he does. Or maybe spend more time trying to get into the pants of his hot aunt. In any case…

At school he meets a one-eyed girl who actually doesn’t exist, but probably does thanks to the countless mish mash of ideas that they threw into this anime. She constantly tells him to bugger off, but he doesn’t listen because he’s a nosy little bastard that likes his girls to be strange and broken. So of course, after all the useless painful plot devices are slowly introduced, the series finally took a turn for the better, resulting in bloody death scenes that make the pain of watching the series almost worth it.

I don’t suggest this series to anyone. Therefore, you’ll probably watch it.

Don't try this at home.

Papa no iukoto wo kikinasai is basically an Usagi Drop knockoff marketing scheme which sports cute and delightfully-underage heroines to sell copies of its light novels, comic and recently an anime. If you have ever seen Usagi Drop, then you may skip the first three episodes of this series. I forgot the protagonist’s name even though I’ve watched seven episodes, but that’s completely fine because now I can project myself into his role. He’s basically a male version of that Twilight Chick, a hollow empty shell of a person that can easily be cut out of the picture to be replaced by yours truly.

The story basically goes like this: Guy’s older sister is married to a man with two children. She bears him a third. Then they go on vacation to Hawaii but accidentally use Korean Air thus sealing their fate. Somehow, these three girls all have different moms, and the relatives are trying to split them up by determining who is related to who. Now, during the emotional scene that accompanies all that gibberish I was just trying to work out in my head why the sister would marry a man who clearly can’t keep a wife; but I guess it’s more realistic this way.

So the creators, in an effort to do away with the old saying, “all the eggs in one basket,” decide to fill out the rest of the character rosters with well-endowed females to try appealing to both worlds. The result is… uncertain.

The resident pedophile of the series, and main love interest.

The Next Door Neighbor, and Voice Actress.

The protagonist’s main love interest, Raika-something, is clearly a pedophile. However, because she’s hot and female, this is somewhat socially acceptable.

She's perfect in every way, except for the molestation charges...

So far, everyone’s been very helpful and cheerful. However, this is anime, and without drama it would just be another Nickolodeon show. So now they’ve introduced the well-endowed Landlady Bitch. I’m sure some of these characters have names, but I stopped paying attention. She basically claims the dude breached his contract by moving his nieces into his one-room apartment. If I had continued to live out of my parent’s garage, then I would consider her to be a bitch, but I’ve been moving around for five years now, and I can tell you that the protagonist was completely in the wrong. Her argument is sound, so I wish her luck in evicting his shady ass.

Get the fuck out of my apartment!